My liver just broke up with me...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize