My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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