There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
