I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
