just tell him i said nine months
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
