One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
