I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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