your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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