i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
