My sheets look like a crime scene.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
