i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i now understand why vodka
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
