your parents love me but you hate me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
