I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
