that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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