last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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