I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
