Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
