I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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