This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Randomize
