guys are only as good as the porn they watch
this boner is exhausting
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize