Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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