So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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