I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
