I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
