Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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