I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
