My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
