On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
MIDGETS
????
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
