i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Randomize
