Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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