I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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