I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
