Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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