dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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