Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
