If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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