I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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