dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
