I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
