So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
