good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
