ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
