please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
