I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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