John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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