and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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