Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
