My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize