i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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