No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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