Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
