If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
