I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
