I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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