she was so not down for the gang bang
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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