my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
That accounts for only three of the penises
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So vagazzling was a success
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
