I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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